April 16, 2017
Have you ever had a day that felt like it was 8 years long? Well imagine that and include a pair of missing friends and an airport nightmare. This was truly the worst day ever! For that reason, this blog post is very long but very entertaining and worth the read so get comfy.

It all started in the glorious holiday resort of Mallorca in June 2016. After months of planning Grazyna, Lauren and myself were having a fab friends holiday in a typical seaside little-England holiday resort, sunbathing, swimming and not much else. After consuming our body weight in watered-down sangria and macaroni (lol) for 7 days, it was time to leave and wave goodbye to the glorious 3-star hotel we had called home for the past week. Our flight was quite late at night so we had the first half of the day to spend at the hotel, flailing about in the pool, eating more of the all-inclusive buffet and judging the little annoying children that were running about everywhere. We had a 3 hour bus journey connection to the airport ahead of us so we made the most of fresh air and freedom while we could.

It was finally time to board the bus for the journey to the airport. We humphed (classic Scottish word for moving an object with considerable effort) our suitcases onto the bus and found our seats, settled in with our respective on-board activities and set off on a 3-hour journey round the various holiday resorts on the way to the airport. After about a half hour into the journey I dosed off, expecting a nice relaxing nap to escape dealing with the heat and humidity (and smell) of the bus. Oh, how I was wrong!

After a quick nap I awoke to the sound of some more people boarding the bus at the hotel we seemed to have stopped at. I turned round to speak to Lauren and... she wasn't there. That's weird, I thought. I wonder what Grazyna thinks- oh wait, she's not there either. Hahahahahaha guys, good one, stop hiding. I looked round at the empty rows behind me trying to spot them hiding. They have put in a LOT of effort into this game, you guys!! so funny!!! Ha ha hahaha ha ha c'mon guys..... GUYS..... (Bare in mind I was still half asleep, overheated and severely disorientated.) There must be a perfectly reasonable explanation to this, I thought, so i'll just give them a call. I called Lauren first, it seemed to ring for quite a while- wait, what's that mysterious ringing noise from the storage rack above me? Surely not............. Let's try Grazyna. Brring, brring- is that the Nokia default ringtone I hear from the bag behind me where she was sat? Yep, you guessed it! It was then that I discovered not only had my two friends left their phones on board the bus, but their purses, passports, bags, you name it, I had it on the bus with me. Fan-fucking-tastic!

What would you do in this situation? Because they don't teach you this in any school class and if movies were anything to go by, i'd have to somehow find a gun and go on an action-packed adventure to find out which ex-spy had kidnapped them. I instead opted for asking the couple in front of me if they had seen them. I tapped them on the shoulder and proceeded to have word vomit "Hello, excuse me but I just woke up and my friends aren't here and I don't know where they are but have you seen them at all? They're two girls, about yeigh high, one with long hair and one with shoulder length hair bla bla bla.." I'd like to be able to say that the couple solved all my problems but unfortunately it turned out they were Russian and only understood the first word I had said and nothing else. Nevertheless it seemed to get the attention of everyone else on the bus who just seemed to stare at me while I had an internal struggle with trying to look calm and collected but also having a major freak out. Oh and by the way the bus had left at this point on its way to the next hotel and I had no idea how long we had been on the road nor where we currently were.

I then decided to call my mum to rant about it all but despite being very concerned, couldn't exactly help much from all the way in Scotland. I then called my friend Lauren's mum, but not before bracing myself and trying to work out how to word it so as to not make her think her daughter had died. Brring, brring... "Hi Lesley, how are you? How has your day been?" (As if me calling from Mallorca to make small chat with my friend's mum wasn't suspicious and out of character....) "So I don't mean to alarm you but there's been a bit of an issue. I'm currently on the bus to the airport and.. well.. Lauren and Grazyna aren't here and I don't know where they are.." By this point I had given up trying to seem calm and collected and was full-on paranoid, stressed and probably still half-asleep. Lesley was of course very concerned and confused and I had said I would call her back if I found out any more information. After some more tragic attempts with the Russian couple, I somehow managed to get the name and location of the hotel where they had gotten on the bus, in the hope that it was there that my friends had left the bus. I decided to give the hotel a call but what happened next was like a scene right out of a Mr Bean film.

"Hola, [insert hotel name here]."
"Hello, do you speak english at all?"
"Uhhh little, little ingles."
"Ok... well... i'm looking for my friends and I think they may be at your hotel. Can you help me at all?"
"Si.. si.. hotel, yes. This is hotel."
"Sorry? No.. I'm looking for my friends. Two girls. Dos.. uh... girls. Two chicas. Amigos. In your hotel." (My lack of Spanish was very unhelpful..)
"Yes, si, the airport is... 100km away. 2 hours."
I gave up trying. "Ok.. no... thank you anyway. Goodbye."

(I later found out that while I was struggling on the phone to this man, my friends were standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM waiting to speak to him. You literally couldn't make this up.)

I phoned back Lauren's parents who are good at languages in the hope that they would have more luck with the receptionist. Her dad decided to have a go so while he tried that, I decided to try and ask the bus driver if he had seen them. We were currently navigating the small, winding roads of Mallorca so I tentatively walked up the aisle of the bus, creeped down to beside the driver and tapped his shoulder. He proceeded to retract in fear, yelp and swerve the steering wheel toward an incoming car. After regaining control of the steering wheel, he glared at me and once again, in broken Spanish, I tried to explain to him the situation and ask if he was able to ask the other drivers if they knew anything but not before he reminded me that 'I'm driving". Hahaha yes Mr. Bus Driver I see that but my friends have been taken hostage by the Mallorcan mafia.. don't u see this!!!!!!!! Anyway, after retreating back to my seat I got a call back from Lauren's dad, Ken, who was able to find out that they were at the hotel and arranged for them to get a taxi to the airport and meet me there.

Content that my friends had been found and a plan had been put in place, I decided to try and relax a bit (even though I was severely pissed off). Unfortunately it was then that a woman (let's call her Nosey Norma) decided to come and pry into my situation. Leaving her eight riotous children at the back of the bus, she creeped up behind me and perched over my shoulder. "OH MY GOD" she said, "what's happened? have you lost your friends? Where are they, do you think they got off to go to the shops? What are you going to do? That's such a shame. Maybe they're lost. Are they lost? Did they tell you? Do you know where they are? That's funny.. why would they get off?..." (This is legit what she said). After politely telling Nosey Norma who resembled a character from Little Britain, that no, my friends wouldn't get off a 3 hour bus to "go to the shops" and that yes, I had found them, I made it very clear to her that the conversation was over and thankfully she went back to the zoo on the back row. Some other old gal tried to catch my eye to ask about it but I stared at her with such venom that she quickly looked away.

We finally arrived at the airport and like a game of buckaroo I piled two handbags, a holdall and a backpack onto me while dragging along 2 large suitcases behind me through the huge and very busy Mallorca airport. I was walking along toward the check-in desk where I had agreed to meet my friends and spotted Grazyna. Although seeing her for the first time brought back all of the stress, confusion and anger and I turned into a raging bull. In the biggest huff (bad mood) you can imagine, I dumped the stuff at her feet and went off in search of Lauren who was held up in their taxi waiting for me to pay as I was the only one with left-over cash. Like a weird ransom situation, I handed over the €90 taxi fare to the driver and released Lauren from her taxi prison. We then went back to meet Grazyna and queue up for our flight. We thought we had been through a lot already that day and were ready to get home, but oh.. how wrong we were. The most stressful and worst part of the day was yet to come.

(Because this has already been such a long blog post and because there is still so much yet to talk about, I will split them into two blogposts. Tune in next week for part 2!)

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